L sits normally
by Altymai
Summary: L loses half his reasoning ability when he sits normally? What happens when Ratio forces him to sit normally on a road trip? five hours stuck in a car with The Wammy House kids and a psychotic L. Dear god.
1. Chapter 1

"Ryuuzaki, would you please sit normally?' Ratio asked for the hundredth time. L, him and the Wammy house kids that L took care of were on a five hour road trip to yomama. Near looked up a bit worried. Matt, was playing his DS. Mello was trying to eat the chocolate-brown interior of the car.

"No Ratio-sama! Don't make him do it!" Near nearly shouted. Nobody listened. "Ryuuzaki, do it" Ratio growled. "Why?" L cocked his head to the side. "Because, if we get in a car accident, you're going to shatter your legs beyond repair!" Ratio exclaimed. Grumbling, L shifted out of his crouching position into a normal sitting position.

"Ratio! What Have you done?!" Near exclaimed in terror. He began pulling his hair out of his scalp (his sexeh, adorable scalp).

A/N: Ooh, what shall happen when l loses half his reasoning?


	2. The first hour

The first hour

For about five minutes. L was quiet, just staring out the window, as if he was looking at some unknown object. Near was squashed in the backseat between Mello and Matt, hyperventilating. Then, they passed a Dairy Queen.

"RATIO! RATIO! RATIO! RATIO!" L began to shake Ratio violently, which caused the car to swerve back and forth. Mello bashed his head against the window so hard it was bleeding a little. Matt finally looked up from his game long enough for him to stab the driver's seat with his stylus, therefore breaking it. Then he began crying. Near was having a panic attack and trying to rip his clothes off. "WHAT?!" Ratio screamed gathering control of the vehicle. "Let's go to Dairy Queen! They have cake!" He begged, leaning on the gear shift. The car zoomed into third gear, out of control until Ratio regained control.

He turned off the exit , his face pale. They pulled into the Dairy Queen parking lot. L began licking the window in excitement. Mello opened the door, and Near scrambled out and landed face first on the ground. Mello got out normally and pulled a brown bottle out of his pocket. "Near, do you need your meds?" He asked apathetically looking at poor Near who was curled up in fetal position muttering something about butterfingers. It took L a while to grasp the concept of a door handle. Then bolted into the restraunt.

L had pulled an ice cream cake that was designed for six people out of the freezer and was clutching it to his chest. "order what ever you want" Ratio sighed. L sat down at a table, normally, beginning to eat the cake, without hands or forks. His face was paler than ever thanks to the white frosting.

Half an hour later, they stumbled out of there almost like drunks. Near was trying to eat the toy that came with his kids meal. Another four hours and twenty five minutes.

Then they passed by a cheese and wine tasting place. Ratio figured if this was going to keep up, he'd need a bit of alcohol (and they say he's a genius. Don't drive under the influence please) . So he pulled into the parking lot.

So everyone except Near tasted wine (because he on crazy pills!). Nobody knew what a low tolerance Mello had, and after a few sips, he was shitfaced completely. "Mello, are you okay?" Matt mumbled as he held up the blonde. Mello lifted up his hand and cupped Matt's cheek. Then he brought his face closer and closer to Matt's. Then they kissed. Near had turned around just in time to see it.

Then he went psycho-bitch on Matt's ass. "YOU SLUT! WHORE!" People stared as the little blonde boy began beating the shit out of the redhead. "L! I could use some help!" Ratio called as he tried to pry Near off of Matt. L was flirting with the cheese.

"Oooooh, you're some naughty cheese, aren't you?" he cooed to a slice of brie. Then he picked up some Gouda and whispered to it. In what seemed to be a very seductive tone. "L! Stop molesting the cheese!" Ratio screamed holding Near who was kicking and screaming.

Finally, Ratio got everyone back into the car. Mello was dead drunk and singing about llamas and bananas. Matt was no longer pale, but black and blue and red and sobbing about his broken stylus again. Near was trying to subtly sharpen a butcher knife. L was still sitting normally, and it didn't look like he would be crouching for a while. He was fast asleep, his bare feet on the dashboard.

A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers! Nate River 18, I'm Canned Fruit, Rem10124, Souvenir, MattTheGamer, and deathnotefan! The wine and cheese place came almost from actual experience. Where I live, you can't drive down the interstate without one every mile. Thank you! I'll start working on the next chapter right away! Five more to go!


	3. The second hour

The second hour

Raito's driving was a little tipsy thanks to the wine. Then he got pulled over by a cop. "Sir, have you been drinking?" The officer asked. Then L screamed "IT'S MY FUCKING CHEESE BIATCH!" at him. "Is he high?" The officer stared Raito down. "no, he's just sitting like a normal human being" Raito answered. "Sir, please get out of the car" The officer sighed. Raito grudgingly complied.

"Alright sonny, drive safe, but next time, I don't want any BS excuses" The officer warned. Then Raito hauled ass out of there. Matt watched as the officer waved bye to them.

"okay, rest stop! I'm going to get some coffee, all of you stay in the car!" Raito demanded. L watched cautiously as Raito slammed the door shut and stalked off to join the line of people with hangovers from the wine tasting for free coffee.

"Near, I'm sorry" Mello tried to apologize. Matt had, passed out cold and was leaning against the driver's seat. Before Near could answer, ratio got in the car, a paper cup filled with a black liquid in hand.

L seemed to be showing obvious signs of stress. "I want a bottle of water" L complained. "Okay, we can go to McDonalds and get you a cup of water" Raito began twitching. "No! I want bottled water!" L screamed. "What's so fucking special about bottled water!?" Raito tensed his grip on the steering wheel. "It's in a bottle!" L waved his arms around. "He does have a point" Matt groaned (Near with a knife, is painful". "Matt, you have a knife sticking out of your back" Raito said matter-of-factly. "I know, that's why I'm not sitting back" Matt replied. So they made a side trip to the hospital.

"What's the big deal? This happened back at the house all the time" Matt was cranky without his cigarettes. Near was curled up in Mello's lap watching intensely as Matt was carted off to the ER for surgery or something. Nobody really knew. Those doctors were as confused as a six year old doing calculus.

Twenty minutes later, Matt limped out of the door that led to the emergency corridors. "I'm okay, let's haul ass!" His words were slurred from painkiller as he struck a super hero pose.

Inside his psycho god-complex brain, Raito had a thought that did not have to do with L having a threesome with Gouda and Brie. "_I've got two over affectionate gays. A gamer high on painkillers, and L, who I'm guessing isn't in his right mind. Shit" _He looked constipated as that thought ran through his head. "heey, Raito! You, you look like, you're, you're gonna take a dump" Matt slurred. L roared with laughter, holding his sides, and Matt imitated him. "Get in the fucking car!" Raito was now officially angry on them.

They hadn't even gotten on the highway when odd sounds came from the backseat. "M-Mello!" It was Near. "Haha! Game-boy's drooling on himself!" L interjected Raito now almost inexistent train of thought. Raito pulled over to the side of the road.

What he saw was horrible for him. Near was sitting on Mello's lap, flirting provocatively. And yes, Matt's head was tilted to the side away from the couple, and he had drool dripping onto his furry vest of not-being-Near's-bitchness. "Near! Get your hands off Mello's pants and sit in your own seat! Or we won't go anywhere!" Raito's voice was getting hoarse. "Then I guess we'll be here for a few more hours" Near said sarcastically. The Raito bitchslapped Near into his seat.

"Stay in your seat or it'll be my foot in your groin. The both of you!" Raito demanded staring them down from the rearview mirror. "yes sir" They said glumly crossing their arms. Raito sighed, ten minutes of peace, he was going insane.

A/N: I am done for today. I stayed up all night writing this. Thank you for your support and comments. If you want to do fanart based off of this, please do so, but link back to the story and send me a link so I can see your cool artwork. I actually want you people to draw something like L molesting the cheese. Next chapter coming probably tomorrow. I type fast.


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